Celine Dion’s ‘Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know’ plays soothingly in the background that is the headphones that adorn my head. And I can’t help but draw some parallels in the way I have handled some jobs, men, friends, girlfriends, and milestone challenges that needed me to make a firm yet grounded decision about whether to pursue or let live.
Usually that gnawing fear of the unknown outcome, should I choose one way, plagues my mind, and rocks the core of my being. The proverbial cold sweats kick in, and for the life of me, I have folded and walked away from all the above, although in no particular order.
The thing about 2015 is, no more miss goodie two shoes.
I want more. I refuse to make any apologies for what it is that I want.
I will fight for my peace of mind.
I am living like everything depends on me, primarily because the reality of it all is finally sinking in.
I move into my new home this week, and can see my first few months spent on the floor, with my books, a carton of water and crackers until I am able to do more with this new found personal space.
Live. Love Lead.
Till next time,
Easy does it :)
I saw my ex at this new joint in town, with his madame…I wanted to leave as soon as I got there,but my girl convinced me otherwise. After one drink, I saw them leave, which kinda relaxed my urge to leave the party. I held it together until today, I’m in traffic, and it occurs to me that he’s moved on,and I’m still thinking…hurting…I broke down, tried to keep from ramming into the vehicle ahead of me as i had to repeatedly wipe the salty drizzle from my eyes…
And I don’t want to hear about, ‘time will healall wounds’ I know that for crying out loud!
I just need to find my happiness again, i need to occupy my thoughts and memory with something a lot more profound. A part of me wants to hate him, with the hope that I will feel better…I can’t do it. I know I’ve moved on, I just need to find my spring…I want to laugh again, beam with pleasure from anothers’ compliments to me, time spent with me.
And I need my Mother to cut me some slack…I don’t need the constant reminder that I’m single. And no match-making, please. I need the transition to be as natural as possible for me.
Feel free to listen, understand then pour out some words of wisdom.
Till next time, easy doe it
Another week begins and I’ve got only one of 6 assignments covered. The other 5 are group assignments and the group members are the kind that make up the list, do zilch, and yet expect a free grade.
My work-out gets better by the day. Today’s triple set of 10’s abs crunches have me abuzz, I got to class in time,, listening to Regina Belle off a Walkman while I wait for the lecturer to show up.
Whilst watching tele last night, I learnt about the Freegan lifestyle where some people in New York pick food and furniture from the trash! Don’t be grossed out. These guys go through trash from hotels dumpsters, coffee shops, supermarkets….and the stuff that gets thrown out, like packs of milk a few days from their expiry date 4 days earlier, or a pack of eggs thrown out because one was cracked…all this makes for loads of food, and these people pay an average of $10 a week on food, how cool is that?!
I’m giving it some thought, however the thought of trying to get you guys on the same thought train might attract reactions such as “Shaaa! Bandaba batya?!”
Till next time, easy does it.
I witnessed a mother taking her deathly ill daughter (to the hospital, I imagined) on the back of a boda boda, this morning.
Precariously balancing her own weight on this wasp of bolts, wheels and a motor engine.
Cradling her sickly daughter in her arms (understand that the daughter is a full grown adult, the disease has wasted her) who is seated side-straddle on the same bike. The rider is doing all he can to get them to their destination in the shortest time possible and as safely as his banged up, reconditioned motorcycle can wheeze through traffic at the height of Kansanga’s early morning rush.
My heart came away from this sighting, feeling a certain kind of way.
I feel useless thinking back on it. There wasn’t anything I could do in that time and space.
If it was up to me, I’d have commandeered one of those lead cars that clear the traffic for overly conceited officials in leadership; pile mother and daughter into that car, pay the motorcycle rider a generous tip, and proceed to rush them to one of those high end medical facilities whose parking lot is littered with posh vehicles bearing official licence plates; have a garney brought out; get the best physician to take a good look at her, prescribe meds, and follow up on her progress…
I said a prayer for her, may she make a full recovery. I know my God hears my cry for help for her, which is more than I can say for the officials who take up space in office, for terms on end,while mothers continue to die from avoidable complications.
Till next time,
Easy does it.
Be kind to everyone you meet. The alternative is easy.
Do the harder thing.
If you have been invited over for a night cap, then smell the coffee because the mind & physical are synchronizing both in the present & spiritual.
Yes. I move house finally…wait for it :)
On freedom (and predestination)
It will be too late then to choose your side. There is no use saying you choose to lie down when it has become impossible to stand up. That will not be the time for choosing: it will be the time when we discover which side we really have chosen, whether we realised it before or not. Now, today, this moment, is our chance to choose the right side. God is holding back to give us that chance. It will not last forever. We must take it or leave it.
Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.
From Mere Christianity
Compiled in Words to Live By
Mere Christianity. Copyright © 1952, C. S. Lewis Pte. Ltd. Copyright renewed © 1980, C. S. Lewis Pte. Ltd. All rights reserved. Used with permission of HarperCollins Publishers. Words to Live By: A Guide for the Merely Christian. Copyright © 2007 by C. S. Lewis Pte. Ltd. All rights reserved. Used with permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
A lesson I am attending every chance I get, albeit subconsciously, or so I think.
Every time I have traded pieces of me, halfhoping the other partner was giving just as much of themselves, in return.
Needless to say, for every gentle soul encountered on this journey, there’ve been a couple of not-so-gentle souls.
And it isn’t my place to call them out on their brokeness…have you stopped to look in the mirror?
So, after all this ‘painstaking-sometimes & vivacious-other-times ‘ collection of experiences, I can safely say…
I surrender to You
till next time
:) easy does it
You, taking the time to meet up and share in the reality that is life, thank You.
Here’s to regrouping. Anticipate the summon.
:) till next time,
easy does it.
I had no transport fare to get me to church.
There was a banged up piece of machinery in the lot, and by the grace of God, I got to church and back home, after a powerful message about not getting carried away by the glitter of the world, but rather to be grounded in the Word of God, and by faith, walk in grace, to the glory of God.
till next time,
easy does it :)